Green light...

Today, I passed my driving test first time.

 

 

This has been one hell of an experience, one that has genuinely challenged me. I had high hopes that I'd effortlessly pick up learning to drive, but it's been a lot tougher than I thought. It turns out, you can't be naturally brilliant at everything; and more frustratingly so, to not be naturally brilliant at the one thing you want the most.  I've had a fair few tantrums behind the wheel, as well as a few tears. I've even had lessons that have gone so badly (such as catastrophically failing a mock test by pulling out at a crossroads in front of a load of traffic..), that I've had to spend the day horizontally on the sofa to mentally recover.

 

But nevertheless, I've somehow managed it. I had an absolutely brilliant driving instructor (if you're in Weymouth, you should definitely learn with Andy Woodgate!), and if anything he deserves a medal for putting up with me for so many hours.

 

I was weirdly calm all morning leading up to my test, and just before I got called forwards, Green Light by Lorde was playing on the radio. It's my absolute favourite song at the moment, so I feel like somehow, the universe was sending me positive vibes. If you've not heard it yet I thoroughly recommend, so much so that I've put it below so you too can have a little bop around your room.

 

 

Exactly a year ago today I handed in my dissertation. The 21st of March has somehow become a day to remember. For the last two years, it's been a day which symbolises that hard work pays off. I put far too much pressure on myself, especially if it's something I really want to excel in, and the rush you get when it all pays off, and pays off well, is exhilarating. I'm an overachiever junkie and proud. I'd rather work my arse off for everything I have and be able to look back and see all the things I've done.

 

 

So here's to the open road, let the adventures begin!  ♥
 

For Adam...

On this day, 21 years ago, I stopped being an only child, and had to share the spotlight with my little brother, Adam. We've fought for the spotlight ever since (which is crazy really because I'm clearly the favourite child), but seeing as it's your 21st birthday, I'll let you have front and centre stage just this once.

My family means the world to me, especially my brother, Adam. Being a sibling is a bond unlike any other. It's the ability to fight and hate each other, whilst fiercely defending each other from the vile words and actions of others. It's all of the inside jokes which accumulate throughout the years that no one else could ever decipher. It's sharing the same feelings about your crazy parents that no one else in the world could understand. And it's knowing that they are one of the only people on the world you can naturally depend on for support, no matter what.

I have a million memories I could share, but I would be blogging for days. So instead, here are a few embarrassing pictures to mark the occasion.

 

 

Watching you grow up into the man you are today makes me feel incredibly proud to call myself your sister. From the bullying, to the family drama, to life being generally shit sometimes; I will always have your back. You may be a lazy pain in the arse who does my head in 24/7, but I wouldn't change you for the world. You're the yin to my yang, the gin to my tonic, the Pikachu to my Ash, and the naïve to my codeine.

I love you millions  ♥

(I probably won't admit this again for ages so feel free to savour the moment)

A world within myself...

People talk about 'knowing themselves' as if there is a definitive answer to the kind of person you are, but I think who you are is constantly changing all the time. I will hold my hands up and say I am still learning a lot about the person I am every single day, and I'm okay with that. I am made up of a million thoughts and feelings which vary day to day, scenario to scenario, and I can only be predictable to a certain extent. But I am learning to love every aspect of myself, from the happy loner to the social butterfly.

  

 

Sometimes it feels very surreal to me all the things I have done with my life; especially as I sit here in my pyjamas curled up under a blanket, half blogging/half watching The Vampire Diaries on Netflix. It would be hard to believe that the girl sat here typing this is the same girl who has flown alone to different countries, lived in a different town without my family, or even been on a 14 hour pub crawl. Sometimes, the opposing extremities of my personalities confuses even myself. How can I be so outgoing for someone so incredibly reclusive? How can I be so lazy for someone who wants to achieve so much?

 

These are all the parts of me which make me 'me', and I'm not afraid or ashamed of any of them.

 

There are layers to my personality, and it's weird to me how I (without realising) allow different people to see different versions of myself. Without any conscious choice, different people see me in different ways, whether it's at the most basic surface level, or because in some strange way we 'click' and just understand each other.

 

I am shy. I am outgoing. I am lazy. I am productive. I am passionate. I am reluctant.

 

I am human.

 

And I am a whole world within myself.

 

 ♥

 

The wrong direction...

Recently, I've felt as though I've been spinning in circles with a complete lack of direction. And then it hit me. This is the first year of my life where I am not in any form of education. This is it.

 This is my life.

At first, this was completely overwhelming. What am I doing with my life? What happens if I'm wasting my life? What if I'm laying on my death bed thinking about how I wasted my youth? I'll admit I was exceedingly overdramatic about the whole thing, but in many ways it felt like the job I've always done to finance the gaps in my life (making coffee), had turned into my career.

 

 

But then things began to sink in. I'm not walking in the wrong direction. There isn't even a direction to be going in the first place. I had completely got myself wrapped up in the false belief that everything was falling apart, but in some weird way, things were somehow falling together without me even noticing. When I had stopped spinning, I could see that actually, my life has a very clear and positive structure to it.

I've booked my driving test. I am this close to being fully licensed to drive, something I'd put heavily on the back-burner since I started university. Without realising it, I'd overcome one of the biggest obstacles to the 'stuck' feeling I've had with being back in Weymouth. Soon I will conquer the open road, and be able to explore new places, as well as be able to travel to all the people I love.

I'm also extremely grateful for the opportunities for development my work as offered me. I've figured that it's an option I absolutely must explore, if not for a lifetime within the company then at the very least as an chance to better myself. I really do enjoy my job, and for however long I find myself working there, I want to do well and exceed.

And finally, I realised that at some point; I absolutely must move to the USA. I owe this to years of dreaming. Even if it's only for six weeks, six months, or six years, it's a chance I have to take. Obviously this is not something I can just wake up and run to the airport in the morning for. This is the endgame for my current plans. This is the place I ultimately wish to get to, whenever, and however it becomes possible.

 

 

 

There is no such thing as going in the wrong direction. The only direction there really is, is within yourself. Make goals, however big or small, and get there one step at a time.

(And remember, going backwards is still taking a step. It means you're not stuck in the same position, and sometimes this can definitely be a positive thing!)

Much love ♥

 

 

The New Year Cliche...

To embellish the words of John Lennon and Yoko Ono, 'Another, quite frankly crappy, year over, and a new ones just begun'. Whilst we find ourselves looking back in despair and looking forwards in hope, it is also that magical time of year when you cannot escape those sickening words, "New Year New Me!"  

 

 

I usually laugh in the face of this shallow statement, thinking that it's just a flimsy excuse to pretend to start over. It's a phrase people use to excuse their behaviours in a bid to change, but from experience, this change never lasts into February. However, this year, "New Year New Me!" seems to pouring out of me like the cliche it is. 

 

I start 2017 a fully renewed member of the singleton club. I'm refusing to get Tinder (Seriously, if you lived where I do, you'd understand), and considering my social life never really took off, I'm now expecting a rapid decline into the life of spinsterhood.

 

Add to this situation the fact that I've spent the last few months stuck in a bit of a rut, and you see my problem. Work, eat, sleep, repeat. Frankly, it's tedious. I needed something to keep me busy, so I turned to my best frenemy; biscuits and other delicious delights. It's making me gain weight like crazy as I to-and-fro through the conundrum of "am I eating because I'm hungry, or am I eating because I'm bored?", and I think it's a fair assumption that it's certainly the latter. I have always had a very unhealthy relationship with food. It's love/hate really. I love to eat, but I hate the way I feel when I know how much and how bad it is I've eaten.

 

 

This leads on to my "New Year New Me!" dilemma. I've known for some time that this has to change, but I have been making excuses for my behaviour (it's my birthday! It's cold outside! It's Christmas! I've earned it!), and these excuses are running out. Add to this the horrifying realisation that I am in fact an adult now, I am in full control of my actions, and I'm not getting any younger. This is a now or never moment. Either I change my mind-set towards food, or be forever stuck in my slightly podgy and unhappy state.

 

I'm flipping the sorry state my life has become on it's head. I'm changing completely. I owe this to myself, and quite honestly, I have done for a long time. And if not now, when? Probably never if we're being real.

 

2017 - bring it on.

 

 

Much Love ♥

 

 

 

Social Media Detox...

I've recently realised I'm addicted to social media.

 

I mean really, who isn't these days? Practically everyone I know is on Facebook, uses Twitter to get up-to-date information, and shows off how wonderful their lives are on Instagram. And as for Snapchat, that dog filter has become iconic. Social media has become an integral part of life. We wake up and check our social medias. We go to bed and check them before we sleep. And we periodically and repetitively keep checking on them all day long, refreshing screens to show us the things we've missed in the last 5 minutes.

 

 

However, for every good thing social media has bought me, such as contact with family and loved ones, it also brings me abundance of negativity. Negativity is contagious on Facebook. There is always someone airing their dirty laundry, bitching and moaning, and creating a breeding ground of negative vibes. These negative vibes are infectious, and can be a serious downer on our moods, yet we subject ourselves to this on a daily basis.

 

It's not only negative vibes bringing us down on social media. FOMO is real. FOMO (the fear of missing out) proves that nothing makes you feel more miserable than seeing all your friends having fun without you. And even though this might not even be true, social media amplifies this feeling, and makes you feel forgotten. We are constantly reminded that our lives are not as good, or exciting, or successful as the next person who comes along, and it's such a terrible feeling. But we are all guilty of trying to make ourselves standout, and boast about how wonderful we are to try and gain a bit of approval from others. I post on Instagram and hope I get enough likes that the names turn to numbers. I hope my Facebook status' get more likes than anyone else's. I edit my photos so I look better, or to emphasise my surroundings. Am I doing these things because enjoy doing it, or is it much deeper than this? Could it be that I base my worth on the acceptance of my peers. If so, then how do I get away from this?

 

 

My love/hate relationship with social media is too ingrained to escape. I'll admit that I do enjoy posting photos and updates, but I'm always conscious of what other people think, and read into, what I post. And perhaps it's all too ironic that my chosen form of expressing these feelings is by blogging now. Maybe there is no escape, and no way to discern between posting things to boost my peer-assessed self-worth and the things I post because I gain pleasure from them and enjoy doing so. Maybe the line is too thin between these two conflicting narratives for why I use these websites, but one thing is certainly true; I use them too much.

 

 

I'm fed up of watching my life through a screen, so I'm turning mine off. Well, at least for a few hours a day. I debated deleting a few social medias (I all but said goodbye to Snapchat and Instagram), before I realised my problem lied predominantly in moderation. I'm not going to go cold-turkey and block out social media completely; it's almost become essential to our modern way of living. Instead, I'm going to adapt my way of living, so I'm not waking up every morning and staring with bleary eyes at my bright phone screen, only to learn more useless information about celebrities. And trust me, I feel like I know far too much about Taylor Swift, more than I will ever be proud of. I'm cutting down on my social media time, and will be spending more time looking at the world with my own eyes.

 

It's time to stop endlessly scrolling through newsfeeds, filling my brain with more unnecessary information, whilst constantly seeking approval and showing off to impress people on social media. I'm going to embrace the world and find my own happiness, somewhere other than endlessly looping between the same social media apps on my phone.

 

(And yes, I will be posting this to Facebook and Twitter. This is something which certainly falls into the pleasure and enjoyment category rather than the attention seeking one.)

 

Much love ♥

 

Make America 'Great'....Again?

Donald Trump has won the 2016 Presidential Election.

 

 

Trump. Won. Election. President. No combination of these words will ever make sense to me. Today I am filled with sorrow and disappointment for the US population, for those who wanted this to happen, and those who protest this as much as I do. I am beyond disbelief that a man who cannot even be trusted with his own Twitter account for fear of ruining his own campaign, will now be in charge of nuclear weapons and become the most powerful man in the world.

 

America, you now have a president who sexually abuses and permits the degradation women. Who makes jokes about the disabled and the elderly. Who is homophobic, and appoints a second in command who thinks homosexuality can be 'cured'. Who is thoroughly opposed to immigrants no matter their benefit to society and the economy. And a president who is a racist and honestly doesn't care about the Latino and African American population he now presides over. Trump does not believe in equal rights.

 

 

 

And perhaps the scariest thing about Donald Trump, is that this isn't really even about him anymore. He has become the face of a faceless movement, a whitelash, within the United States. His ideas have spurred on a collective, and he has brought out nothing but negativity among citizens. Many disillusioned voters have been persuaded by the wild ideas Trump seemed to almost make up on the spot during his election campaign, because of how wild and extreme they were. He is unlike any candidate America has been presented with before, which aids his popularity, particularly within those desperate for change. The core of his election campaign was based on fear and ignorance, which gathered a huge amount of momentum, highlighting racist undertones within the country just as Brexit did with us in the UK. People like Trump and Farage bring out the worst in people, because if you can't make people love you, you can certainly make them fear you.

 

I've had several people ask me why I feel so affected by this as a British citizen. Firstly, I have a degree in American Studies, and am completely passionate about the country, and will definitely live out there at some point in my life. Secondly, this will impact us. It's like throwing a stone into a body of water; the effects ripple out. It may not be now, it may not even be next year, but soon we will face challenges from this. Also, as a millennial, it is my generation that will deeply feel the effects of these global decisions we are making now, yet we are not the generation voting of this. Much like Brexit, the millennial generation voted strongly in favour against the eventual winner, showing the extent we feel we will be impacted by this.

 

 

 

So go on Trump, make America great again. When was America even so great? Was it back to a time where people from different races felt even more marginalised within society, with no rights? Or back in times where powerful women were unheard of? I am desperate for Donald Trump to prove me wrong. Despite everything he has said or done leading up to this point, a part of me must remain optimistic that maybe, just maybe, there is a chance that he could take this role seriously. That he will respect, be accepting and considerate towards everyone in the United States. And most of all, that he doesn't completely fuck the world over.

 

I am in shock today, but this is the hand we have been dealt. So it is with great reluctance that we must do our best to make what we can of this situation, and remain vocal so our opinions are not silenced by this decision.

 

Much love ♥