I haven't blogged in 9 months, I could have had a freaking child in that time (which FYI, I didn't), but I have no remorse or regrets about abandoning my little corner of the Internet.
I have had a whole lot of shit to work my way through, which just seemed to spiral into bigger and bigger dramas. It got to the point where I had to throw my hands up and admit out loud, "I cannot cope anymore."
It is scary as fuck admitting that you don't have your shit together.
So back in March, James and I launched our new business venture, Tide, selling sea glass jewellery. This has been a huge lifeline for me this year, something to pour my energy into. It kept me going when I had moments where the sofa and I had morphed into one unrecognisable mess.
Not too long after this, my Nan got rushed into hospital. She hadn't been well for years, but this time was different. A few weeks later our fears were confirmed, she had cancer. The outlook wasn't optimistic. During the months between her diagnosis and her eventual death, I think my entire family had a hard time coming to terms with what was happening.
I haven't lost someone close to me in my memorable life. My other Nan died when I was six, but I only remember fragments of her, so I felt like it didn't impact me as much.
I was also going through my own health issues, experiencing pain in my lower abdomen, which resulted in many long consultations and enough medication to open my own pharmacy. I was even told at one point that I might not be able to have children, which devastated me. This has since been made irrelevant, but at the time, it just added to the snowball of stress I was feeling. I am feeling much better now thankfully, so one less thing to be overly stressed about.
Things just seemed to amplify, and sometimes it just felt almost laughable. At one point, a lorry crashed into our living room bay window, and we are still waiting for someone to come and permanently fix the hole it left. Our car kept breaking down and costing us a fortune. In the same week as my Nan died, our car battery died, and one of our tyres exploded. The car, and myself, had hit breaking point.
I had a bit of a mental breakdown.
I went into work one day in my retail job, and a mere 10 minutes into the shift, I was sitting on the stairs to the basement stockroom, bawling my eyes out, unable to face anyone.
I was sent home, plucked up the courage to see the doctor, who diagnosed me with anxiety and mild depression, and signed me off work.
I had a few months off of work, which was desperately needed. I got to spend a fair bit of time with my Nan, see my family and friends, and pour a lot of time into finding what would make me happy and calm again.
I left my retail job, and my friend Lisa helped me to get a job where she works, which I am really enjoying. I like the people I work with, I like what I create, and I very much like not having to make awkward small talk with rude customers.
James and I pushed our business further, creating new lines of jewellery, and actively going out and selling at craft fairs. The response we have had from our community has been great, which really encourages us to keep going.
I can't think of anything I love more than coming home from work, curling up on the sofa in my pyjamas under a big pile of blankets, binge-watching Project Runway, and playing GameCube with James. This is my happy place, This is where I feel centred, and the most 'Hazel' I can be.
I still have moments where I feel overwhelmingly anxious and low, but they don't last for nearly as long as before. It took a long time for me to admit to myself that it will always take me longer to process things in life than the average person. I both thrive and can be crippled by stress. I love to be busy and wear myself out, but I also love doing absolutely nothing.
I'm currently sat here, with a slightly fuzzy head from my work Christmas meal last night, mostly from a lack of sleep and desperate need for a big glass of water. James and his 11-year-old brother are laughing and playing games together, and I am curled up on the sofa in my dressing gown. I may not have showered yet, and the flat may be a complete mess, but I'm really thankful.
I am thankful for all of the amazing people I share my life with.
I am thankful for all the time I got to spend with my amazing Nan. I will treasure it forever.
I am thankful that I am able to talk about all of this shit, even if no-one reads it. Talking helps.
And most of all, I am thankful that I don't have my shit together. I am not ever going to have my shit together, because I will always need a little bit of chaos to keep me going.
Amen to the mess.
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